Battle Mode: Video Game Characters

GT: “Bimmy” and Jimmy don’t stand a chance against the 77s. You can make their heads bleed in this one, Mikey. WINNER: PAUL COFFEY & RAY BOURQUE

FATAL 4-WAY, ELIMINATION STYLE: LINK (Zelda) vs LITTLE MAC (Mike Tyson’s Punch Out) vs SIMON (Castlevania) vs MEGAMAN

GT: Little Mac knocked out Mike F’n Tyson in his prime. Nobody in the world could do that. Link needs swords that shoot electric swords or candles or magic flutes; Mac only needs his fists. Megaman and Simon can battle to the back because nobody cares about them. WINNER: LITTLE MAC

HCK: Agreed (though plenty of people care about Megaman and Simon, Gordo). Simon, Megaman, and Link all have pretty straight-forward attacks, nothing Mac can’t dodge easily and counter attack. Mac over Simon, Link over Megaman, Mac over Link. WINNER: LITTLE MAC. There are ways to? 

HCK: Yeah, we threw in an inside reference for the final battle. How good was my Backlund creation? Well, all you readers remember how insanely tough Tyson was, correct? My Backlund would stretch Tyson so hard he’d shit himself. Backlund would then reach down Tyson’s shorts and force feed Kid Dynamite his own feces. You see, it’s not enough for my Backlund CAW to break his opponent’s body. He cannot rest until his opponent’s spirit is broken as well. WINNER: THE BOB BACKLUND CAW

GT: Backlund walking on his knees, making his weird bug-eyed face from the hour-mark of the ’93 Rumble. Even his maxed stats are no match for Tyson’s devastating uppercuts and jabs. Only a Buster Douglas CAW would stand a chance. Backlund might win with practice, but it takes a few times to get the timing down. Backlund could potentially win a best of seven series. There’s just no way he’s winning the first match. WINNER: MIKE TYSON

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