Battle Mode: Video Game Characters
HCK: If the great Patrick Swayze has taught us anything (and he has), it’s that ghosts are intangible unless motivated by vengeance. I imagine with names like Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde, Pacman’s ghost pals are not the vengeful sort. One would then assume that Pacman is such a wimp that he dies when touched by something intangible! Even if you don’t buy into that philosophy, Pacman is constantly getting pwned by guys named Inky, Blinky, PINKY, and Clyde, for fuck’s sake! At least with a name like Mario, one can pretend that DK’s nemesis might have connections to the mafia. One barrel from Kong is more than enough for Pacman to choke on. WINNER: DONKEY KONG
DEATH MATCH: SAMUS ARAN (Metroid) VS RYU HAYABUSA (Ninja Gaiden)
HCK: Sure, Samus has one of the greatest arsenals of any video game character in history. But Ryu’s a ninja. Samus would be dead without even seeing what hit her. WINNER: RYU HAYABUSA
GT: Saaaaamus, a word with you. If Samus is in the Samus suit, she has a chance. If that Ninja Gai-den-hay guy from the Wizard is controlling Hayabusa, he wins. I didn’t really care much for either of these games, so I’m booking a draw and going to get popcorn at the concession stand. WINNER: NONE
ICON MATCH: RYU VS SUB-ZERO
HCK: Ryu dragon punches waterfalls in his spare time–and he’s supposed to be afraid of some icicles? 10 bucks says Ryu is prepared to fight honorably when Sub Zero slips him up by freezing the floor. Sub Zero then tries to cheez Ryu by sweeping the leg every time Ryu attempts to stand up, but eventually the sweep is blocked. Ryu says, “oh, we’re cheezing are we?” and slips into Champion Edition mode, firing hadoken after hadoken. 30 fireballs later, Ryu stands over Sub Zero’s body and shouts, “HIER EES SUB SEERO! NOW… PLAYN SEERO!” WINNER: RYU
TAG TEAM MATCH: BILLY & JIMMY LEE (Double Dragon) VS PAUL COFFEY & RAY BOURQUE (NHL Hockey)
HCK: Both teams can take a ton of punishment, but there’s one major difference: 7 or 8 punches will knock down the Double Dragon Duo, whereas Coffey and Bourque… well, I’m just not sure if knocking them down is even possible, to be frank. Once Billy and Jimmy are down, I just don’t see Paul and Ray letting them back up. Perhaps the better matchup here would be Coffey & Borque vs the 2 Abobos in Level 3 (those fucks). WINNER: PAUL COFFEY & RAY BOURQUE
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