Battle Mode: Video Game Characters

WIMP MATCH: GOOMBA (Super Mario Bros) VS WAYNE GRETZKY (NHL Hockey)

Gord Tep: The Great One is on anybody’s all-time list of superior athletes. However, let’s be honest, fighting is hardly his specialty. Hell, the guy won the Lady Byng Trophy five times. Goomba may just waddle back and forth, but his goal is to kill. In fact, if he simply nicks you, you die. Gretzky will skate around trying to avoid physical contact at all costs. Since this is a fight, and Goomba seemingly goes on forever, Gretz will eventually get tired of dodging and bite the dust. #99 may be an incredibly well-conditioned athlete, but since these battles occur without a time limit, Goomba’s persistence will outlast Wayne’s attempted pacifism. WINNER: GOOMBA

Ham City Kev: Did Bowser kidnap Janet Jones? Is Goomba in Gretzky’s way? Even if that’s not the case, you gotta figure Wayne’s survival instinct would kick in during such an encounter. Since body checking is not his thing, one slap shot from the Great One should be enough to take out the Goomba. WINNER: WAYNE GRETZKY

LEGEND MATCH: MARIO VS SONIC

HCK: Gotta go with Mario here, and really, it’s no contest. He’s got too many weapons! All he needs to defeat Sonic is 2 things: first, a Tanooki Suit to dodge the Sonic attack, followed by the classic Fire Flower to toast Sonic’s ass. If Sonic wants to get cute with run-ins from Tails, Knuckles, etc, he can try it. Allowing Luigi into the battle just doubles the Mario Bros arsenal. WINNER: MARIO

GT: Is the P-Wing legal? What about Sonic’s super shoes? I always referred to them as Reebok Pumps. Luigi and Toad are worthless, and the Princess can only fly in dreams (e.g., Mario 2). I’ll say that Sonic’s high-definition graphics will overwhelm Mario’s little pixelated ass. He’ll roll through Mario in high speed like a boulder against Indy. WINNER: SONIC

CLASSIC MATCH: DONKEY KONG VS PAC-MAN

GT: This battle should take place at the Mid-South Coliseum, or the Sportatorium, or the Pontiac Silverdome, or some other old arena that held wrestling events in the 1980s and no longer exists. Donkey Kong sure has the edge in terms of brute strength, but Pac Man is an automatic victor if power pellets are legal. Pac will likely run the risk of failing a test for performance enhancers because he’ll already have eaten Donkey Kong by the time the test is administered. Ms. Pac Man could also play the Jessica Lange role and distract DK. WINNER: PAC MAN

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