Archive for the ‘Blog’ Category

Favorite Underappreciated Fictional Characters – D-Fens

Welcome to another edition of “Favorite Underappreciated Fictional Characters.” In this series, Gord and I will discuss fictional characters we loved in the 80s and 90s who, for whatever reason, didn’t get the cred they deserved for being awesome. Sometimes they were too obscure for the public eye, sometimes they were simply overshadowed by a fellow character, etc. Here at GordTep.com, we are happy and proud to give them the praise they deserve. This week, we have…

WILLIAM “D-FENS” FOSTER
dfens

“I am not a vigilante. I am just trying to get home to my little girl’s birthday party and if everyone will just stay out of my way, nobody will get hurt.”

Right about now half of you reading this are saying, “who?” Yeah, well that’s why this series includes the word “underappreciated.”

Fine, maybe tragic hero D-Fens (Michael Douglas) loses his mind at the end of the movie Falling Down and shouldn’t be hailed for it–but his journey to get there is marvelous, a delightful fantasyland we all slip into from time to time. We’ve all had days like his, only we don’t have the balls to act out the way he acts out. Like so many of us, he was promised a Capitalist haven where anyone can be successful if they truly wanted it, where truth and justice went hand-in-hand with the American Way. The everyday denial of this notion presents a frustrating struggle for so many of us, and Bill Foster does what we all want to do: fight back, let the world know you are standing up for yourself, and that you’re through taking shit.

Bill Foster, for having that courage, I salute you.

300 Bucks Damage Update

Just to confirm, Ghostbusters (1 & 2) will indeed be the subject of this week’s 300 Bucks Damage podcast. The show should be up early Saturday morning.

By the way, if you haven’t already, please subscribe to 300 Bucks Damage on iTunes, Zune, or whatever RSS reader you use. Either search for 300 Bucks Damage and subscribe within the program, or add the following link to your reader: http://feeds.feedburner.com/3BD

If you’re new to the site, feel free to go back and check out some of our podcast archives. Spread the word, 300BucksDamage.com, GordTep.com, tell your friends, tell your neighbors…

As always, please send feedback to podcast@gordtep.com.

Favorite Underappreciated Fictional Characters – George McFly

Welcome to another edition of “Favorite Underappreciated Fictional Characters.” In this series, Gord and I will discuss fictional characters we loved in the 80s and 90s who, for whatever reason, didn’t get the cred they deserved for being awesome. Sometimes they were too obscure for the public eye, sometimes they were simply overshadowed by a fellow character, etc. Here at GordTep.com, we are happy and proud to give them the praise they deserve. This week, we have…

GEORGE McFLY

“Hey you, get your damn hands off her!”

How awesome is George McFly? He contributes so much to the first Back to the Future that one wonders how they did the sequels without him (that’s a testament to the greatness of Michael J Fox and Christopher Lloyd, I suppose). Next time you watch the original, take note that half of the funniest lines are delivered by George, both in the original 1985 and in 1955. For Christ sake, he took the line, “what Lorraine? What?” and made it pure gold.

Sure, Doc and Marty get all the credit for being the heroes in the series, but why does nobody talk about George? We laugh at him, laugh with him, cheer him on when its time to knock out Biff and save Lorraine, and then we all go a big softee when he delivers one of the greatest kisses in cinematic history to save Marty. He’s George, George McFly, and he’s our density.

George McFly, I salute you.

Patrick Swayze, 1952-2009

Gord and I were (and still are) big fans, so while the news of Swayze’s death is not a surprise, it still saddens us. Patrick may no longer be with us, but Johnny Castle, Sam Wheat, Bodhi, and Dalton will stay with us forever. “Stay gold…”

Ham City Kev’s Top 15 All-Time Movies

Let me start off by saying this is not an easy list for me to make. Movies are a huge passion in my life, and to not include some of my favorites on this list… it makes me feel like I’m abandoning them. As for the 15 that did make it, any order I could possibly put them in is too mercurial. I’d have a different list on any given day, it all depends on my mood. Therefore, I’ve decided to lay this out alphabetically (because really, do you care what order I put them in? No. You just want to see movies you like on this list, don’t you? Well now it’s easier to find them.). I’ll put my top 3 first, followed by my next 12.

As for the selection, this is by no means a list of what are–in my opinion–the “greatest” movies of all time. Rather, they are a list of my favorites. The difference is simply that a guilty pleasure like Roadhouse won’t be seen on a list alongside the likes of The Godfather or Casablanca, but you very well may see it on a list like this (SPOILER: sadly, you don’t).

Honorable mentions: Watchmen, Superbad, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall may make the list one day, but I need to give them more time to settle. Clerks was the first non-mainstream film I ever saw, opening my eyes to a whole new world. Others I can’t forget are Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie, The Princess Bride, The Rocky Series, most of the Star Trek series, Very Bad Things, and The Warriors. Onto the top three:

The Big Lebowski (1998 – 1 hour, 58 minutes)
IMDb summary:
“Dude” Lebowski, mistaken for a millionaire Lebowski, seeks restitution for his ruined rug and enlists his bowling buddies to help get it.
Why it’s on my list: Because it’s a fucking crime to make me pin one favorite character, one favorite scene, and one favorite quote from this movie. Every single thing about this movie is fucking gold, and I never ever ever tire of watching it. Disagree? Yeah, well…
Favorite Character: The Dude! ( “or uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or uh y’know, El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.”)
Favorite Scene: Dude drops his roach while driving and listening to Creedence.
Favorite Quote: “We know that this is your homework. We know that you stole the car… and the fucking money… AND… we know that this is your homework!”

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004 – 1 hour, 48 minutes)
IMDb summary:
A couple undergo a procedure to erase each other from their memories when their relationship turns sour, but it is only through the process of loss that they discover what they had to begin with.
Why it’s on my list: Is it enough to say “I just love this movie”? It’s a great abstract twist on a simple love story with great visual effects and 2 brilliant protagonists who balance eachother out perfectly. Any time the Virgo and I have a tiff, this movie will cheer me up.
Favorite Character: Joel
Favorite Scene: Joel says goodbye to Clementine.
Favorite Quote: “Okay.”

Mulholland Dr. (2001 – 2 hours, 27 minutes)
IMDb summary: After a car wreck on the winding Mulholland Drive renders a woman amnesic, she and a perky Hollywood-hopeful search for clues and answers across Los Angeles in a twisting venture beyond dreams and reality.
Why it’s on my list: Because I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure it out, even though I know I never ever will. This movie is truly a work of art. David Lynch at his best.
Favorite Character: Diane Selwyn
Favorite Scene: The Club Silencio (BEST – SCENE – EVER)
Favorite Quote: “No! Hay! Banda!”

Well, those are my favorite three. As for the other 12 that I like only slightly less…

Back to the Future (1985 – 1 hour, 56 minutes)
IMDb summary:
In 1985, Doc Brown invents time travel; in 1955, Marty McFly accidentally prevents his parents from meeting, putting his own existence at stake.
Why it’s on my list: Needs no explanation. It’s the only movie on both my list and Gord’s (could you tell we were fans?).
Favorite Character: George McFly
Favorite Scene: George and Lorraine kiss for the first time.
Favorite Quote: “What Lorraine?! What?!”

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982 – 1 hour, 30 minutes)
IMDb summary:
A story of a group of California teenagers who enjoy malls, sex and rock n’ roll.
Why it’s on my list: It’s an actual decent portrayal of high school with too many great characters and lines to count. After years of watching on basic cable, I was both stunned to see tits on the VHS and saddened to see the Brad Hamilton/college advisor scene not included. I’m still waiting for that scene to be released on a special edition DVD, or on youtube for that matter.
Favorite Character: Mike Damone
Favorite Scene: Spicoli driving Jefferson’s car.
Favorite Quote: “Hey, this is great iced tea!”

Fight Club (1999 – 2 hours, 19 minutes)
IMDb summary:
An office employee and a soap salesman build a global organization to help vent male aggression. DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB
Why it’s on my list: It set a new standard of movie quality for me and held my #1 status for almost 10 years. Although I’ve played it out for myself, the philosophy behind this film still rings true to me. As a matter of fact, I went running for the dvd after suffering through the torturous pretentious hell that was Juno. You are not your hamburger phone, you smug bitch.
Favorite Character: Tyler Durden
Favorite Scene: The final scene.
Favorite Quote: “The question – RAYMOND – is what did you want to be?!”

Natural Born Killers: Director’s Cut (1994 – 2 hours, 1 minute)
IMDb summary:
Two victims of traumatized childhoods become lovers and psychopathic serial murderers irresponsibly glorified by the mass media.
Why it’s on my list: Besides the fact that it screams “90′s!!!” (I’m one of the decade’s biggest fans), this movie is–IMO–the greatest love story of all time.
Favorite Character: Mallory Knox
Favorite Scene: Mickey and Mallory are reunited during the prison riot.
Favorite Quote: “Still like me now, Jack?”

Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills (1996 – 2 hours, 30 minutes)
IMDb summary:
A horrific triple child murder leads to an indictment and trial of three nonconformist boys based on questionable evidence.
Why it’s on my list: This documentary stirs up my emotions more than any other film. If you haven’t seen it, then sadly you should. Be ready to be fucking angry when it’s over. Learn more (and believe me, there’s a LOT more) at wm3.org (currently under renovation).
Favorite Character: n/a
Favorite Scene: Everyone’s reaction to the Echols/Baldwin verdict.
Favorite Quote: “I do know that my Youth Director had talked to Damien extensively at the Revival that we had, and he told him that he could not be saved; that he could not give his heart to Jesus.”

Robocop (1987 – 1 hour, 43 minutes)
IMDb summary:
In a dystopic & crime ridden Detroit, a terminally wounded cop returns to the force as a powerful cyborg with submerged memories haunting him.
Why it’s on my list: There was a stretch of time as a child when I watched this movie every day. I loved it then, and I still love it now. I’m not ashamed, nor should I be. It’s a solid movie that doubles as a good satire of 1980′s excess. IMO, the over-the-top violence just makes it charming.
Favorite Character: Clarence Boddicker
Favorite Scene: Emil takes a bath.
Favorite Quote: “Nice shootin’ son, what’s your name?” – “Murphy.”

Seven (1995 – 2 hours, 7 minutes)
IMDb summary:
Police drama about two cops, one new and one about to retire, after a serial killer using the seven deadly sins as his MO.
Why it’s on my list: Best. Ending. Ever. (spoiler!) It’s Seven for fucks sake, it’s awesome. No explanation necessary.
Favorite Character: John Doe
Favorite Scene: Mills finds out “what’s in the fucking box”
Favorite Quote: “detectiiiIIIIIIIVE! You’re looking for me.”

Stand By Me (1986 – 1 hour, 27 minutes)
IMDb summary:
After the death of a friend, a writer recounts a boyhood journey to find a body of a missing boy.
Why it’s on my list: It’s a classic, and one of my earliest favorites. Of the 4 main boys, there’s a little of each in all of us, so it’s easy to connect with them. Not to mention, Kiefer Sutherland’s Ace Merill gets no credit as an awesome antagonist.
Favorite Character: Vern
Favorite Scene: Lard Ass’ revenge
Favorite Quote: “Why don’t you go home and fuck your mother some more?”

Superman II (1980 – 2 hours, 7 minutes)
IMDb summary:
Superman agrees to sacrifice his powers to marry Lois, unaware that three Kryptonian criminals he inadvertently released are conquering Earth.
Why it’s on my list: I’m a huge fan of the Christopher Reeve Superman series, and this one sits at the top. It’s got everything: great humor (something missing in the bullshit “Richard Donner Cut”), great story, great twists, great cast, great protagonist, great antagonists, great romance–great everything!
Favorite Character: Clark Kent
Favorite Scene: Clark gets the shit kicked out of him in the diner.
Favorite Quote: “General, would you care to step outside?”

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991 – 2 hours, 32 minutes)
IMDb summary:
The cyborg who once tried to kill Sarah Connor must now protect her teenager son, John Connor, from an even more powerful and advanced cyborg.
Why it’s on my list: Do you remember seeing this in the theater for the first time? Do you remember your reaction to the T-1000 special effects? Holy FUCK! It was the greatest thing you’d ever seen! T2 is probably the greatest action movie ever made. It’s certainly on the list of greatest sequels in history. Again, great story, great effects, great protagonists, FANTASTIC antagonist, stunning action and chase sequences.
Favorite Character: T-1000
Favorite Scene: Sarah shakes hands with the Terminator before lowering him into the steel.
Favorite Quote: “Your foster parents are kinda dicks, huh?”

V for Vendetta (2005 – 2 hours, 13 minutes)
IMDb summary:
A shadowy freedom fighter known only as “V” uses terrorist tactics to fight against his totalitarian society. Upon rescuing a girl from the secret police, he also finds his best chance at having an ally.
Why it’s on my list: Being a big fan of Orson Wells’ “1984″, I’m an easy sucker for this movie. It’s frighteningly not that far fetched, which in turn makes V one of my all-time favorite protagonists.
Favorite Character: V
Favorite Scene: V addresses the masses.
Favorite Quote: “People should not be afraid of their governments, the governments should be afraid of their people.”

Wet Hot American Summer (2001 – 1 hour, 37 minutes)
IMDb summary:
Summer camp hijinks, set in 1981.
Why it’s on my list: This growing cult classic is certainly not for everyone, but if you’re into “out-there” comedy and random-ass humor, then this spoof of 80′s camp movies is definately for you. It features numerous sketch-comedy vets (including multiple members of my beloved The State) alongside Emmy-level actors, and it gets funnier with each viewing.
Favorite Character: Gene
Favorite Scene: Victor driving back to Abby Bernstein.
Favorite Quote: You taste like a burger. I don’t like you anymore.

Hopefully I’ve aroused some curiosity in movies you haven’t seen and maybe added a flick or two to a Netflix queue. If you disagree with my selections, that’s because it’s not a list of your favorite movies. It’s a list of mine. Feel free to criticize, but please keep this in mind. As always, I’m up for any suggestions.

Gord Tep’s Top 15 All-Time Movies

You’ll find plenty of movies on this list that may not be considered among the elite in most people’s eyes, but that’s not what this is. The following films aren’t the most successful or necessarily even the best. These are just a a bunch of awesome movies I could watch over and over again. Also, instead of doing a boring review, I’m just listing a few of my “favorites” from each film.

Honorable mentions: Coming to America, Field of Dreams, Pumping Iron, Ghostbusters, Private Parts, Manhattan, Good Fellas.

nakedgun15. The Naked Gun (1988 – 1 hour, 25 minutes)
Logline: You’ve read the ad, now see the movie!
Favorite Character: Lt. Frank Drebin
Favorite Scene: Frank Drebin as the Ump at the baseball game
Favorite Quote: “Nice beaver!”

old school14. Old School (2003 – 1 hour, 31 minues)
Logline: All the fun of college, none of the education.
Favorite Character: Frank the Tank
Favorite Scene: The one with Vince Vaughn coughing, “Don’t do it!” at the wedding
Favorite Quote: “… Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.”

anchorman13. Anchorman (2004 – 1 hour, 34 minutes)
Logline: His news is bigger than your news.
Favorite Character: Rob Burgundy
Favorite Scene: When Ron meets Veronica at the party
Favorite Quote: “I’m in a glass case of emotion!”

pee-wee's big adventure12. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (1985 – 1 hour, 30 minutes)
Logline: The story of a rebel and his bike.
Favorite Character: Mickey
Favorite Scene: When Pee-Wee gives Francis and his father the trick gum
Favorite Quote: “I know you are, but what am I?”

the birdcage11. The Birdcage (1996 – 1 hour, 57 minutes)
Logline: Come as you are.
Favorite Character: Agador (Spartacus)
Favorite Scene: When Sen. Keeley finds out his GOP buddy died in bed with an underage black whore
Favorite Quote: “Oh yes… Coldeman. The ‘d’ is silent in America.”

dirty rotten scoundrels10. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988 – 1 hour, 50 minutes)
Logline: Nice guys finish last. Meet the winners.
Favorite Character: Freddy Benson
Favorite Scene: Freddy Benson trying to remember Lawrence Jamieson’s name in jail
Favorite Quote: “May I go to the bathroom?”

rocky9. Rocky (1976 – 1 hour, 59 minutes)
Logline: You have a ringside seat for the bloodiest bicentennial in history!
Favorite Character: Paulie
Favorite Scene: When Mickey tells Rocky breaking legs for a loan shark is a “waste of life!”
Favorite Quote: “You’re gonna eat lightnin’ and you’re gonna crap thunder!”

major league8. Major League (1989 – 1 hour, 37 minutes)
Logline: When these three oddballs try to play hardball, the result is totally screwball.
Favorite Character: Lou Brown
Favorite Scene: Rick Vaughn fighting with Roger Dorn in the locker room
Favorite Quote: “Suck my dick.”

manhattan murder mystery7. Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993 – 1 hour, 34 minutes)
Logline: n/a
Favorite Character: Larry Lipton
Favorite Scene: When Larry wakes up in the middle of the night after dreaming about ring card girls
Favorite Quote: “Claustrophia and a dead body – this is a neurotic’s jackpot!”

back to school6. Back to School (1986 – 1 hour, 36 minutes)
Logline: Registration starts Friday, June 13, at theaters everywhere.
Favorite Character: Thornton Melon
Favorite Scene: Professor Turgeson!
Favorite Quote: “Why don’t you call me sometime when you have no class.”

office space5. Office Space (1999 – 1 hour, 29 minutes)
Logline: Work Sucks.
Favorite Character: Michael Bolton
Favorite Scene: Joanna quits her job at Chotchkies
Favorite Quote: “We get caught laundering money… We’re going to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.”

highlander4. The Highlander (1986 – 1 hour, 56 minutes)
Logline: There can be only one.
Favorite Character: Connor McCloud
Favorite Scene: Kurgan & Connor in the church.
Favorite Quote: “Are you going to turn off the tape or shoot me with the .45?”

swingers3. Swingers (1996 – 1 hour, 26 minutes)
Logline: Coctails first. Questions later.
Favorite Character: Trent
Favorite Scene: Trent dancing on the table in the diner
Favorite Quote: “She was smiling at how money I was.”

star wars2. Star Wars (1977 – 2 hours, 1 minute)
Logline: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
Favorite Character: Obi Wan Kenobi
Favorite Scene: The swing across
Favorite Quote: “… everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here now…”

back to the future1. Back to the Future (1985 – 1 hour, 57 minutes)
Logline: He was never in time for his classes . . .Then one day he wasn’t in his time at all.
Favorite Character: Marty McFly
Favorite Scene: Skateboard chase
Favorite Quote: “Hey you, get your damn hands off her.”

Favorite Underappreciated Fictional Characters – Rocky V Kid

Welcome to another edition of “Favorite Underappreciated Fictional Characters.” In this series, Gord and I will discuss fictional characters we loved in the 80s and 90s who, for whatever reason, didn’t get the cred they deserved for being awesome. Sometimes they were too obscure for the public eye, sometimes they were simply overshadowed by a fellow character, etc. Here at GordTep.com, we are happy and proud to give them the praise they deserve. This week, we have…

THE FAT ASIAN KID FROM ROCKY V
rocky_v bw

“Fiiiight!”

I’ll make this short: I wanted to get a Rocky character into this series, but the problem is that all the great characters already live in the public’s high esteem (even Paulie’s robot). I had toyed with writing a column about Duke (Apollo and then Rocky’s trainer) as my friends and I have gotten a laugh out of “THROW THE DAMN TOWEL!” on many occasions.

Except when it comes to laughs, nothing beats the excitement on that fat Asian kid’s face when Rocky Jr starts beating up his bully outside of school in Rocky V. I laugh every single time. I laugh even harder when I’m discussing Rocky for the first time with someone and that person INSTANTLY knows who I’m talking about when I mention this kid.

Fat Asian Kid from Rocky V, your lust for violence and excited face have brought me many laughs. I salute you.

Favorite Underappreciated Fictional Characters – Damone

Welcome to another edition of “Favorite Underappreciated Fictional Characters.” In this series, Gord and I will discuss fictional characters we loved in the 80s and 90s who, for whatever reason, didn’t get the cred they deserved for being awesome. Sometimes they were too obscure for the public eye, sometimes they were simply overshadowed by a fellow character, etc. Here at GordTep.com, we are happy and proud to give them the praise they deserve. This week, we have…

MIKE DAMONE

When people talk about Fast Times at Ridgemont High it’s typically about one of three things: either Jeff Spicoli or Phoebe Cates’ tatas. Discussing the movie further, you might hear mentions of the great Mr Hand, Brad Hamlilton, Forest Whitaker, or Stacy’s promiscuity (was Jennifer Jason Leigh even legal when this movie was shot?). Only after all that will people bring up Mike Damone–and that’s just not fair. Damone (Robert Romanus) is the highlight of Ridgemont High–bar none–and shines brighter than the rest of the students put together.

Sure, stealing Rat’s crush is a dick move. Lasting approximately 4 thrusts inside of her ain’t something to look up to either. Showing up at Stacy’s pool uninvited and towel-in-hand is classic douchebaggery. And obviously, insinuations of small-statured genitalia was certainly embarrassing.

But none of it matters! Why? Because Mike Damone can appreciate an iced tea without even tasting it. Because Mike Damone comes for the strudel. And, of course, because Mike Damone knows what he looks like. I would gladly risk his “prick” behavior and hang out with Damone every day of the week, as every other thing that comes out of his mouth is unintentionally hysterical. Things like, among others:

“Usze ya face. Usze ya body!”
“Came over to help ya with your math HOMEwork.”
“Isn’t this GREAT?”
“See my moustache comin in, Rat?”
“Came this close to workin at 7-11, y’know.”
“Hey Rat, you gotta ace that jacket!”
“Rat, show ‘em how you can stand up underwater!”
“When you have that… then you have the attitude.”
“Hey Linda, I’ll teach ya to dive. I used to be a champion myself, y’know.”
“I woke up in a good mood, what happened?”
“What a guy.”

What a guy, indeed. Mike Damone, I salute you. So do these guys in this AWESOME NSFW VIDEO!!!

Favorite Underappreciated Fictional Characters – The Basketcase

Welcome to the first edition of “Favorite Underappreciated Fictional Characters.” In this series, Gord and I will discuss fictional characters we loved in the 80s and 90s who, for whatever reason, didn’t get the cred they deserved for being awesome. Sometimes they were too obscure for the public eye, sometimes they were simply overshadowed by a fellow character, etc. Here at GordTep.com, we are happy and proud to give them the praise they deserve. This week, we have…

“THE BASKETCASE”
ALLISON REYNOLDS

The recent loss of writer/director John Hughes was rough for me. The amount of amazing characters he created is staggering, but if you asked me which my all-time favorite was I wouldn’t hesitate in naming The Breakfast Club’s “Basketcase” member Allison Reynolds (Ally Sheedy) above everyone else, including Ferris Beuller and Clark Griswold.

Can a member of the Breakfast Club be underappreciated? Your goddam right she can. 10 bucks says you didn’t even know her name was “Allison Reynolds.” Vernon and the other 4 kids grab so much more attention, and for good reason: Allison says all of one word the first half of the movie. But see, that’s what I love about her! She quietly sits there, listening and plotting, waiting for the right moment to open up and start manipulating the rest of the group. Stuck getting sodas with Andrew, she acts out to make him feel uncomfortable and calls him out on being fulla shit. Brian must have felt great later on, knowing this quiet chick stole his wallet just to get his personal info, then brag about it. And of course, the coup de grace, her total fucking pwnage of Claire in the round circle. And she did all this because she was bored on a Saturday!

As far as the end is concerned, and Allison’s preppie transformation, I ignore that. Who doesn’t? Everyone knows once the round circle discussion is over the movie starts becoming astronomically absurd (Andrew breaking a glass door by shouting we can accept, but Bender kissing Claire? NO FUCKING WAY!). Besides, we all know that Andrew’s sporto friends will still make fun of her, he’ll dump her, she’ll take her revenge, then go back to wearing black and listening to Joy Division (probably).

Allison, I salute you.

Battle Mode: Cereal Mascots

TONY THE TIGER vs SUGAR BEAR
Ah, Tony. One of the most beloved–and misunderstood–cereal mascots of all time. Most people would be quick to put their money on Tony winning this one because after all, he’s the best at all sports, right? Wrong. Go onto youtube and watch those commercials again. Tony typically finds a kid who sucks at sports, accepts a challenge on their behalf (seriously Tony, shut the fuck up!), gives them his cereal and then gets an assist on whatever it is the schmuck kid wins. The key word in the last sentence is “assist.” Tony never wins shit!

Sugar Bear, on the other hand, will beat the shit out of any creature on gods green earth–while high.

WINNER: SUGAR BEAR

CAP’N CRUNCH vs FRANKENBERRY
Let’s get right to the point, shall we? The big question in this one is whether or not Frankenberry is strong enough to handle all the tricks the Cap’n has stored under his hat (sometimes literally). Frankenberry is a pretty thick guy–however in past commercials it is always shown that he has the courage of a squirrel. Frankenberry also loses points for losing his lifelong battle with his arch-rival Count Chocula (you don’t see Frankenberry for sale anymore, do you?). Not to mention, and let’s be honest here, pink isn’t exactly a masculine color.

Cap’n Crunch, meanwhile, has been around for over forty years foiling Soggies, Pirates, bad times, and whatever other antagonists come his way. He’s bound to know a trick or two to defeat Frankenberry, like hitting him in the teeth with an anchor, for example.

WINNER: CAP’N CRUNCH

TRIX RABBIT vs SONNY THE CUCKOO BIRD
Holy fuck, it’s just mean to pair these two up against eachother. A full-blown addict vs a recovering addict. Here’s how I see it playing out…

Rabbit asks Sonny to get him some Trix. Sonny politely declines, telling Rabbit that he’s trying to stay off cereal. Rabbit promises Cocoa Puffs for Sonny if he could score some Trix for him, Sonny again refuses, angrier than before. Rabbit persists, eventually causing Sonny to cave, as usual. Sonny goes Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, manically bounces around town for a few hours, and crashes hard in an alley somewhere. At no point does Sonny remember to score Trix for Rabbit.

Sonny wakes up hungover, hangs his head, and checks back into rehab. When he leaves rehab and goes back to his apartment (nest?) he finds Rabbit waiting for him, and Rabbit is none too happy. When Sonny can’t produce the Trix, Rabbit breaks his leg. Rabbit tells Sonny he’s got 24 hours to make good on the deal or else the next beating will be worse. Sonny contacts some old friends, looking for Trix, but is unsuccessful–because as we all know: Trix are for kids. With an hour to go before his deadline, Sonny panicks and grabs a Malt-o-Meal knockoff, hoping Rabbit wont notice once it’s in the bowl.

Now, I’m a fan of Malt-o-Meal. In general, the difference between them and the big wigs is minimal. Rabbit, on the other hand, doesn’t fuck around when it comes to Trix.

Sonny is found later that afternoon on the sidewalk, a victim of an apparent slip-and-fall off a roof.

WINNER: TRIX RABBIT

COUNT CHOCULA vs LUCKY THE LEPRECHAUN
Now we’re getting into the supernatural (as if murderous, talking, cartoon mascots weren’t enough). The leprechaun vs the vampire. Count Chocula could potentially take everyone on this list, what with being impervious to violence, the ability to turn into a bat, heightened strength and sesnses, whatever it is you believe a vampire does. Technically he should have no problem with a little shrimp like Lucky, right?

Wrong! This fight is practically a fucking no-contest! Lucky is a magical leprechaun! If Chocula goes after him, all Lucky has to do is conjure up a yellow sun to burn up his vampire ass, am I right?

Disagree? How do you think Lucky came up with THIS CEREAL? Because he annihilated Count Chocula and stole his legacy, that’s why.

WINNER: LUCKY THE LEPRECHAUN

Switch to our mobile site